When someone asked me the other day what I was doing in an American Lit. class, I said, "Oh, I help the teacher because some of my students are in that class."  Another special services teacher was walking by and heard the conversation and she said very pointedly, "No, you are not a 'helper', you are a "co-teacher".  So, I smiled at the person I was talking to and said, "I guess I am a co-teacher!" I just had to laugh as I walked away thinking that I really was nothing more than a helper in the  class. But... whatever!

I sit in the back of the class and assist with my students as they need help and am occasionally asked to go and find a student that hasn't found his way back to class from a rather long bathroom break. I am, indeed, NOT THE teacher in that class.  I am a teacher, but not THE teacher, at least not in that setting. I clearly leave the discipline and control to THE teacher because it IS HER classroom, not mine. In fact, I am not the ONLY co-teacher in there, another colleague, who is a special services teacher as well, is in this Lit. class. So, in all, there are THREE of us, but only one LEAD teacher. From that standpoint, I have the opportunity to observe.... a lot. Since I spend the major part of my day in MY own classroom with a certain group of students that have been categorized with a certain disability, I do not have the opportunity to be around 'other' students.

As I am listening to THE teacher review Huckleberry Finn, she pauses for a moment to breathe or something and a student that sits in another row in front of me says, "I saw a woodpecker yesterday."  Collectively, the whole class, including me, turns and looks at this student and suddenly he has everyone's complete attention for a moment. Someone else across the room says, "Where was it?"  Someone else says, "Why are you talking about that?" Someone else says, "What was it doing?"  I looked at THE teacher and she did exactly what I would have done... she ignored him. She didn't react at all.. she just kept going. Smart teacher.

As I sit here typing this, I am making the face that I made when I looked at this student. It is kind of a non-expression, but with a slight eyebrow raise, and the lowered eyelids, of course. That was my outside expression. Inside, I was .... cracking up. I did find it funny that he would say that when it completely had NOTHING to do with ANYTHING, but on the other hand, it was rude and clearly a call for attention (which he got).

Last week, my other 'co-teacher' had a meeting during this class so she had a sub. I walked in, saw the sub and he kind of looked at me for guidance. I just leaned over and said, "Welcome to the Breakfast Club".  IF there was an interest in absurd humor or perhaps a research project on students that need attention, THAT would be the class. I can only picture in my  mind a camera crew coming in and recording the daily happenings in that class. It would be an instant hit or at the very least a gold mine for someone wanting research data and a chance to be 'published'. 

I have to admit, it is pretty much the highlight of my day, going to American Lit. I finally have the chance to see education... from the back of the room. Too bad the quarter ends in another week.

It is easy to get out of the habit of doing things… important things even. Blogging (writing) has been a life line for me for the past few years and like other things that are important, I have misplaced my zeal and enthusiasm for writing. Slowly, I feel it coming back, almost like a stranger at my door. It is somewhat painful with these few words so far to find the ebb and flow and writing. What happened?

So much seems hard these days. Things that were easy, fulfilling, natural. I know I have the classic symptoms of being depressed, but I am choosing now not to dwell on it. Maybe that is why I have not written. Maybe dwelling in the darkness was not where I needed to spend my energy. Possibly I was afraid to write what was on my mind for fear I would get stuck in that line of thinking.

I have been teaching the book of Exodus to a small group of ladies that now meet on Saturday mornings. As I did some research last night before going to bed, I couldn’t help but think of the people of Israel in bondage to the Egyptians. God had the power to take them out of their sufferings, but he didn’t. He was preparing them for the journey they were to make to the promised land. It was not going to be an easy journey--- and their sufferings and hard work was necessary. Not understood, I am sure, by the majority as they toiled and endured day after day. I can imagine the tears and how they must have wondered. I still wonder about the whole cancer journey and how that seems to have ‘changed’ me. I am starting to get to the point where I am able to spell in correctly (not canser) and talk about it more matter of factly. I still don’t know of the big plan that God has for taking me through that journey, or what he has me in training for.

I am totally loving this weather. I told Chris I would love 75 degree temp all summer! Of course, my favorite season is Fall and trailing a far 2^nd would be Spring.

Chris has been working diligently on some cases at work. I think it occupies much of his thinking even when he is off, but today we were able to go to church and then the church picnic. He had time with the ‘guys’, which is wonderful for him. I know he misses the fellowship. He now possesses a CDL and can drive the big 18 wheelers. I think he is toying with the idea, but looking to still be able to stay close to home. Given the summer that we had with Voo, he needs to be home.

Voo is in high school! We arrive at DHS about the same time, in separate cars and I try really hard not to run across the parking lot and give him a big hug, even though was just with him at home. I look over my shoulder and take a glance and then walk on through the door closest to my classroom, he goes in the other door. So far he has come by my class at least once a day. It is good to see him. I sit in my desk and glance up to see him and shake my head in wonder at how tall he is and yet how much more he has to learn before he is ready to ‘fly’. Knowing that the time will pass quickly, I long to seize each day.

This summer, Voo tried unsuccessfully to spread his wings in the wrong direction. He got caught at every single thing he did and we rejoice at how faithful God is to hear our prayer. We have prayed that he would be ‘found out’ or caught so he could be corrected and instructed. My friend in my Bible study just smiled when I told her about the issues we were dealing with over the summer. She just kept saying, “Good”! Her wisdom was that while he is ‘in training’ with us as a young man, that when he makes the wrong choices, we are there to help guide him in a different direction. It made me look at the whole crazy summer in a different light and to be thankful for the opportunity to teach important lessons now; and hopefully not later when he is out from under our covering. Chris doled out some pretty stiff penalties that I even balked at but not I can see how God used Chris to stand up to the plate and show Voo that he was not going to get away with anything. I know we are not finished with our charge to ‘train up Voo in righteousness”, but the job is so much more manageable when there are TWO parents that are on the same page and a GREAT GOD that makes up for all of our mistakes, ignorance and failings. How great is our GOD!

This summer has been busy… so busy! Voo and I started out by gutting the bathroom downstairs and replacing every last thing in there. I don’t think there is anything ‘original’ left! Still have to put in the shower, but I am not sure I am capable! It sure looks nice and one of my friends told me how proud she was of me--- that I actually took on a task, or a challenge, and rose to it. The thing is that I would normally have hired someone to do all the work for me, but I decided I would do the dirty work and attempt to accomplish a task that was totally out of my league. Well, 3 months later, it is almost done. It isn’t done in the time frame I would have chosen, but nevertheless, it IS something I am proud of doing.

Shelley has been a blessing to me and as time goes on, she becomes more and more precious to my life. We have walked some tough waters, but my relationship with her has taught me another level of forgiveness. As I grow in the Lord, I am finding out that it is an area in which I have great struggles. I tend to show my unforgiveness by shutting people out and pretending they do not exist. I am not sure how others show their unforgiveness, but mine is just as bad. Pastor Jon challenged me many years ago with a sermon about building bridges or walls. I recognized myself as a wall builder and even went forward that Sunday for prayer. Unfortunately my walls are not thin walls- they are big concrete blocks with rolls of barbed wire on the top. Don’t go over that wall… you are going to get hurt trying to get to me!

As I spend time with Shelley, I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be her ‘mom’. God never gave me the ability to have children from my womb, but has brought children into my life that I have been able to parent. What a privilege!

Cortney is getting married this weekend. Chris will go ahead of us on Thursday and be there for the rehearsal. Voo and I will hit the road after school Friday and spend the night with Shelley. My parents fly in on Saturday and then the wedding at 6:30 p.m. (I think). I am still looking for a dress that at this point will have to be overnighted UPS. MY HEART WILL CHOOSE TO SAY “Blessed be YOUR name!”